what do u think….i am 16 plz read the first chapter of my juvenile fantasy novel?
1- talking to a lampost
Mr.Ismail wasn’t that kind of men you see walking around with his family in a supermarket or even sitting down with them watching tv..no he wasn’t that at all.
He was a mysterious man ..peculiar,with his black custome that holds a badge of blue octopus with a bold m around it,he had a bald,sweaty head that he sometimes enjoyed wearing a red bonnet on it,but what he enjoyed the most is miticoulsly shaving his grey moustache.
Mr ismail’s mysterious acts were augmenting over time,after he used to come at 2 am he lately,began to come at 5 am…peculiarly enough his wife Haiga and his son noor didn’t mention that they heard the house’s main door open,but instead his office’s door,which they reckoned that it had a secret door that lead directly into the house.
Mr ismail didn’t allow any one to enter his office..the place that held many of his secrets..as it seems that behind those locked doors mysteries that mr ismail doesn’t wish to share with his family lie.
mr isamil’s second wife mrs haiga was an annoying lady that doesn’t stop yelling all day long..even though she was a 65 yrs old woman ,she prefered wearing tight leather dresses and high heals..as she conceals her wavy grey hair under a large wide bonnet…her wrinkled face was pretty hideous under the red powder she patched her face with.
haiga remained for 9 years in the ismail family..it was the worst thing that has ever happened to this family .with her malicious,frowning look that monitored every thing happening in the house ..and since that most of the time there was no one in the house except herself and ismail’s only son noor..unfournately,noor was the pot in which haiga did throw her anger in most of the days..she wakes up in the morning and begins following noor along the house ..ordering him to do exhausting house chores…starting from washing the dishes uptill buying lunch in the scorching sun..and before she did any of these things she was sure that isamil wasn’t in the house because infront of him she was the young angel who seeks salvation from this devil who’s called noor…and for noor’s excellent luck his father was almost the whole day out of the house on one of his secret quests.
Noor was a slender boy..with curly ,uncomped black hair
usualy he liked to drown his head in cold water..he says it helps him concentrate.. for someone like noor concentration was an essential aspect in his life,since it helps him to answer his complex math equations that he spends hours and hours hidding inside his room solving ….but for him these harsh equations weren’t anything but riddles that he enjoyed answering away from his boring life.
The worst feeling noor could experience is when he’s doing his math and haiga calls him to do some of her trivial tasks..realy depressing to be on the verge of a difficult answer and you’re called to bring a cup of water for the arriving visitors.
Actualy,mr isamil did grasp the fact that his wife badly treats his boy,but he preferred to turn a deaf ear and close his eyes.."be a good chap.."that all he told noor,as if he didn’t understand the fact that his son is now 13 yrs old and that he deserves a different type of words.
Unfournately,noor didn’t care for his father that much..the words that were going on between them were mostly by accident..a number of words that could be counted on the fingers..sadly enough these words weren’t nothing but some of hi’s ,orders,and even warnings of punishment.
noor couldn’t just grasp it…why does his father treats him so coldly..he did nothing..trying just to love him all of these years but in this tense climate,he failed..
one evening,noor was sitting in his bed looking at the sky from his window,forming imaginary lines between the stars that he could barely see,when haiga yelled"number 13 come down ,right now"
haiga got used to calling noor sometimes by number 13,she believed it was the number of the devil.
noor got down,she put aside the knife she was pealing with some tomatoes and approached noor with a gloomy peer"what did i say no math infront of me"
she threw the leather bound note book from his hands to fall inside the kitchen’s dustbin "why…’yelled noor
haiga moved towards the refrigerator,opened it and got out a strawberry cup.."up to your room right now..i just wanted to make sure that you’re not enjoying your time with those stupid equations.."
"no,i’ll watch tv for a while" and before he could sit on the couch yards away from him,she shouted"up to your rooms ..or i’ll tell him another story i’ve got a plenty of unconsumed ones..up now.."
"i don’t want…"
"you will"
" i won’t.."
it seemed that he’s examining her thoughts,her persistence was very odd ..like she wanted to do something in secret.
noor’s hypothesis was actualy correct.
after he pretended to go back to his room,he hid behind the wooden staircase and spied…..
haiga took out a piece of paper and a stream of a blue powder fell out of it into the strawberry cup right infront of her …
noor,knew that she leaves this strawberry juice for his father to drink after he returns fro wherever he is,but what is this thing is she trying to poison him..may be ,anyway,he knew he had to warn his father..
so later that night something much more weird happened..
while waiting outside the house under an old willow in their garden..a ball of red light came flying from the far edge of the house ,hitting the top of a lampost few yards away from the willow..the red light faded away inside the lampost..but before noor could examine the lampost,his father appeared rushing from inside the house towards the lampost,he stopped right infront of it,as noor hid behind the other side of the willow.
"i know i’ll make sure its safe don’t worry,ask isaac to be patient,its safe with me.."
and a ball of blue light glimerred inside the lampost and flew away in the air and disappeared as if space had swallowed it…
yeah right you copyed and pasted it you lier so i would say that your question was the worst question
Lol, yeah…right.
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(Sigh)
Grammar and punctuation
Conflicts
Story line
Otherwise you are very talented. Good luck and keep writing! ♥:)
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nice:)
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yeah right you copyed and pasted it you lier so i would say that your question was the worst question
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Its nice. I suggest you proof read and use proper punctuation and capitalization.
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Good job. I read a book that was somewhat like that, but other than that, it is very good.
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Yes, you really need to run this through your word processor before asking us to read. Use the spell checker **and** the grammar checker. The miserable part of this story is not the story – it’s trying to read it that’s a pain.
Ron
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well… to tell you the truth, i couldn’t get through it. i stopped reading a couple of paragraphs through.
i would suggest getting a spell check and a grammar check done. also… try to make it more interesting to read. you have to grab the reader’s attention if you want to be a succesful writer.
other than that, you have great potential. just find a topic that you are extremely interested in and go from there. if you enjoy what you’re writing about (and im not saying that you don’t enjoy this topic) it is a lot easier to write.
hope i could help!!! good luck!!!
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