Who will kindly read and criticize some poetry for me?
Who will kindly read and criticize some poetry for me?
Who will kindly read and criticize some poetry for me?
Ok, so I have to put together a poetry portfolio for school(I’m 14)
Would you mnd saying which ones are your favorites, and what you would change?
thanks!
1.
Free Verse Poem
If I could be a sight to see,
I would dwell in the city of lights,
And reach up to the bright moonlight,
I would watch young lovers fall in love,
As they steal a kiss under the shadow of my being,
I will watch as the bikers ride by wearing their fashionable hats,
I wonder how one would look on me?
I’ll listen to the music,
Of the grand Carousel,
As it spins round and round,
Filling the air with children’s laughter,
I’ll over see my brilliant city,
And stand tall and proud,
People from far and wide will visit me,
Flashing their cameras and posing next to me,
As if I am the biggest star to see.
When the sun rises out of the Earth,
It will splash me with a warm, orange, hello
As it rises to its place in the sky,
To start a new day,
Mmmm is that baker’s bread I smell!
People will come day after day,
Photographers, tourists, the old lady on the park bench,
They will smile a bright hello,
As they admire my structure,
From far below,
Oh what a site I would be!
2.
Winter Breaks
The sun comes up,
The night is gone,
Trees breathe life,
As the chill loosens its grasp,
Finally! Warmth is the air,
Not so long now, till spring is here,
Winter will enjoy this lengthy break,
It will rest, and not come back,
Till Christmas time is almost,
Flowers will bloom,
The rain will poor,
Green buds will burst forth,
Oh what joy!
Yes, winter is on break.
3.
Gravel
The crunch of a homecoming,
The noise of the night,
The sound of a warm, fall day,
Walking in the forests by night,
A simple, familiar noise,
Of the crinkle of the road less traveled on,
Gravel,
An old time acquaintance.
4.
Strawberries
So sweet and fruitful,
Luscious and red,
So soft and full life
Like a child playing with a red balloon,
The tasty smell,
so pleasing to the noise,
a gentle tingling,
like a feather to the nose,
Popping in color,
as it grows out of dark, green vines
A delight to the eye,
Warm summer days,
A woven basket,
A child’s bonnet,
Small, chubby fingers,
Reach out and pluck,
The delight eye popper,
Oh what childhood joy!
thank you!!
1. Quite nice- I assume the image you are going for is a statue in a park, that kind of thing, imagining a literal living on in the monument? If I were to pick, I’d mention that "oversee" is usually one word, and ’site’ would normally be ’sight’ in the final line. I only mention these because I can see them being deliberate, but thought I’d flag them up just in case they are typos. I’m a bit unsure about the ‘mmmm’, and ‘bikers’ for me immediately calls up an image of Hell’s Angels… ‘cyclists’ might be more what you were thinking.
2. The play in the last line is quite nice. Unfortunately, the rest seems a bit cliche to me. If it were me, I’d try to make it shorter and more to the point, and remove the first reference to Winter being on break- that way, the end comes as a twist, a pun on the title, instead of a repetition. Gives it more impact.
Also, rain usually ‘pours’, not ‘poors’.
3. Do forests have gravel? That and the night actually give this poem a slightly ‘wrong’ feel for me, as though the sound is giving away someone who shouldn’t be there.
However, you can use that- The impact it gives the poem is a good thing. You could harness that wrongness, either make it the point of the poem or find a way to make it into ‘rightness’- make it about a specific footfall, a particular homecoming.
The structure does a good job of reflecting footsteps on gravel- short, sharp, regular. If you do change it, make sure to keep that, or better yet emphasize it.
4. This one doesn’t jump out at me… as description it’s nice, but there isn’t much else there (that I can see).
The first is probably my favourite. The third has definite potential, too, which I hope you can build on.
I hope I don’t seem too harsh, and that some of this is helpful.
Wow this is very good. Hard to believe you’re 14.
References :
1. fantastic! i am going to copy and paste that one!
2.it ok. i give a 4?
3.very cool
4.that one is coming home with me!!
you are very good at poetry. keep it up
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Did you really write these! If so what a delight to find a 14 year old with your grasp of language…how you use it is very pleasing indeed and I would change nothing. Favorites are Free Verse Poem, Gravel and Winter Breaks- in that order.
References :
Don’t use so much punctuation–it’s okay to not use commas after every line. Also, fifth to last line on the first one, I’d do "Photographers, tourists, the old lady
on the park bench" because it’s too crammed if you have it all on one line.
On the second one, "Till Christmas time is almost" doesn’t make sense on it’s own. Add "Till Christmas time is almost here" or something on the same line. Also, "poor" is an adjective. It’s homophone, "pour," is a verb that you’ll want to use. Also, don’t say Nose so much, and "A delight to the eye" should be in the same section as "Warm summer days." And "Delight eye popper" does not makes sense. I really like the poems!
Hope you found this helpful.
On the third one, I’d just say try to make that one first because it is AWESOME.
On the 4rth one, don’t say "full life," say "full OF life."
References :
The first one has great imagery but it’s kind of jumble and doesn’t have a solid base. The second poem has a great 1st and 2nd stanza but the middle isn’t as strong as the first two. The fourth has amazing word choice. But the only thing is (don’t take this rudely, my teachers tell me all the time) who cares? By this I mean why would someone want to read a poem about strawberries, what’s the focus. Your third poem is spectacular. It is very short, although if you use more word choice and imagery it won’t matter the reader will just enjoy reading it. The only thing with that one is your kind of leaving us hanging. As in who’s there, where is it, why are you there?? I hope all this helps. You have an amazing talent and keep on writing. Good luck on your poems!
References :
1. Quite nice- I assume the image you are going for is a statue in a park, that kind of thing, imagining a literal living on in the monument? If I were to pick, I’d mention that "oversee" is usually one word, and ’site’ would normally be ’sight’ in the final line. I only mention these because I can see them being deliberate, but thought I’d flag them up just in case they are typos. I’m a bit unsure about the ‘mmmm’, and ‘bikers’ for me immediately calls up an image of Hell’s Angels… ‘cyclists’ might be more what you were thinking.
2. The play in the last line is quite nice. Unfortunately, the rest seems a bit cliche to me. If it were me, I’d try to make it shorter and more to the point, and remove the first reference to Winter being on break- that way, the end comes as a twist, a pun on the title, instead of a repetition. Gives it more impact.
Also, rain usually ‘pours’, not ‘poors’.
3. Do forests have gravel? That and the night actually give this poem a slightly ‘wrong’ feel for me, as though the sound is giving away someone who shouldn’t be there.
However, you can use that- The impact it gives the poem is a good thing. You could harness that wrongness, either make it the point of the poem or find a way to make it into ‘rightness’- make it about a specific footfall, a particular homecoming.
The structure does a good job of reflecting footsteps on gravel- short, sharp, regular. If you do change it, make sure to keep that, or better yet emphasize it.
4. This one doesn’t jump out at me… as description it’s nice, but there isn’t much else there (that I can see).
The first is probably my favourite. The third has definite potential, too, which I hope you can build on.
I hope I don’t seem too harsh, and that some of this is helpful.
References :