Who will kindly read and criticize some poetry for me?
Posted on November 3rd, 2009 by admin
Who will kindly read and criticize some poetry for me?
Who will kindly read and criticize some poetry for me?
Ok, so I have to put together a poetry portfolio for school(I’m 14)
Would you mnd saying which ones are your favorites, and what you would change?
thanks!
1.
Free Verse Poem
If I could be a sight to see,
I would dwell in the city of lights,
And reach up to the bright moonlight,
I would watch young lovers fall in love,
As they steal a kiss under the shadow of my being,
I will watch as the bikers ride by wearing their fashionable hats,
I wonder how one would look on me?
I’ll listen to the music,
Of the grand Carousel,
As it spins round and round,
Filling the air with children’s laughter,
I’ll over see my brilliant city,
And stand tall and proud,
People from far and wide will visit me,
Flashing their cameras and posing next to me,
As if I am the biggest star to see.
When the sun rises out of the Earth,
It will splash me with a warm, orange, hello
As it rises to its place in the sky,
To start a new day,
Mmmm is that baker’s bread I smell!
People will come day after day,
Photographers, tourists, the old lady on the park bench,
They will smile a bright hello,
As they admire my structure,
From far below,
Oh what a site I would be!
2.
Winter Breaks
The sun comes up,
The night is gone,
Trees breathe life,
As the chill loosens its grasp,
Finally! Warmth is the air,
Not so long now, till spring is here,
Winter will enjoy this lengthy break,
It will rest, and not come back,
Till Christmas time is almost,
Flowers will bloom,
The rain will poor,
Green buds will burst forth,
Oh what joy!
Yes, winter is on break.
3.
Gravel
The crunch of a homecoming,
The noise of the night,
The sound of a warm, fall day,
Walking in the forests by night,
A simple, familiar noise,
Of the crinkle of the road less traveled on,
Gravel,
An old time acquaintance.
4.
Strawberries
So sweet and fruitful,
Luscious and red,
So soft and full life
Like a child playing with a red balloon,
The tasty smell,
so pleasing to the noise,
a gentle tingling,
like a feather to the nose,
Popping in color,
as it grows out of dark, green vines
A delight to the eye,
Warm summer days,
A woven basket,
A child’s bonnet,
Small, chubby fingers,
Reach out and pluck,
The delight eye popper,
Oh what childhood joy!
thank you!!
"If I could be a sight to see" *Consider rewording this.. It doesn’t make sense to me
"lovers fall in love" *Instead of using ‘lovers’ and ‘love’ in the same line, replace one of the words with a synonym or alternative. In fact, you could omit the ‘fall in love’ part, because all lovers do fall in love
"fashionable hats" *Don’t use the word fashionable. Maybe try the word ‘voguish’ or ‘glamourous’
"Of the grand Carousel, As it spins round and round" *It is obvious that the carousel spins. So change the second line to something more poetic such as "As the horses dance round and round"
"Like a child playing with a red balloon," *I honestly don’t like this line. This is a good use of imagery, however, I don’t think this particular line works in the poem
"so pleasing to the noise" *Do you mean ‘nose’?
Overall, your poems are really good! You’re a great writer!
November 3rd, 2009 at 3:59 pm
Poem 1. verse 4 was excellent in and of itself, I didn’t care for the rest. Don’t stop creating.
References :
November 3rd, 2009 at 4:21 pm
"If I could be a sight to see" *Consider rewording this.. It doesn’t make sense to me
"lovers fall in love" *Instead of using ‘lovers’ and ‘love’ in the same line, replace one of the words with a synonym or alternative. In fact, you could omit the ‘fall in love’ part, because all lovers do fall in love
"fashionable hats" *Don’t use the word fashionable. Maybe try the word ‘voguish’ or ‘glamourous’
"Of the grand Carousel, As it spins round and round" *It is obvious that the carousel spins. So change the second line to something more poetic such as "As the horses dance round and round"
"Like a child playing with a red balloon," *I honestly don’t like this line. This is a good use of imagery, however, I don’t think this particular line works in the poem
"so pleasing to the noise" *Do you mean ‘nose’?
Overall, your poems are really good! You’re a great writer!
References :
High school student
November 3rd, 2009 at 5:04 pm
Gravel is definitly my favorite, 10/10
References :
November 3rd, 2009 at 5:23 pm
i would definitely listen to the other answers. i feel no need to restate everything they said. they gave good answers though.
i loved Gravel, though. that was really nice. and your free verse poem was pretty good also.
you’re a good writer, and have potential
References :